Services

Couples Counseling

At it's best our relationship has the capacity to be a place of love, warmth, support, healing, and joy. At it's worst our relationship can reduce us to our worst, most hurtful and hurt self.  A healthy relationship has a balance of numerous factors. Each relationship is unique, and what people are looking for in a relationship is unique, however we all have fundamental needs, and when they are not met and respected within a relationship, the health of the relationship and the individuals in it, deteriorate. Many of us struggle to identify our needs, effectively communicate these needs to our partner, and/or allow our partner to try and fulfill them.

Another area where couples often get stuck is with disagreements. Instead of using techniques to understand each other and find a peaceful compromise, couples can explode into fights that at there worst can result in physical or verbal violence and/or push the couple to avoidance and a silence so tense it is palpable.

In addition to the above pitfalls, we often unintentionally neglect our relationships. Children, jobs, extended family, hobbies, communities we're involved in, friends, all these and more can get priority before our partner. Even a strong relationship can only withstand so much neglect before it shows signs of wear. Unfortunately relationships can get neglected for so long that by the time we slow down and look at our partner we don't even know what to do with them anymore. Our relationship can begin to feel lifeless, like nothing more than being a roommate with your partner. Another telling sign is when you find yourself fantasizing about people you know and continuously comparing your partner to this other.  Infidelity can follow which wrecks havoc and hell for all involved. 

Couples counseling is a great opportunity to bring your relationship back to it's original closeness, or recreate your marriage into a more fulfilling union.

Depression and Anxiety

Sadness, anger, fear, shame and worry are healthy and normal emotions. Emotions are like an alarm system that let us know we need to take a moment and reflect on what is going on. When someone experiences healthy levels of negative emotions, they can be guided to better decisions and actions. Depression and Anxiety are like having an alarm system that is going off all the time, so listening becomes difficult and overwhelming. For some the alarm is so loud and insistent that they have learned to disconnect, or numb from it. This takes an enormous amount of energy, and ultimately is impossible. Despite our best efforts, unacknowledged emotions have a way of slipping out sideways.  If you find yourself regularly feeling empty, sad, angry and lost you may be struggling with depression. If you find yourself regularly struggling with apprehension, fear, worry, or panic you may be struggling with anxiety. Both anxiety and depression can impact your appetite, sleep, health, relationships, concentration, and cognitive functioning. 

Trauma and Abuse

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.

–Mother Teresa

Physical, sexual, emotional abuse and neglect are damaging and painful in themselves, and the hurt is only made exponentially worse by the fact that the abuser is most often one of our parents or primary caregiver.  As children we are so trusting and have no context to understand our experience. This is our parent. They must love us. Maybe this is what love is.  In a sense whatever we experience is 'normal' or 'how life is'. It often isn't until later in life that we are really able to identify and acknowledge that what we suffered was terrible, not healthy, not our fault and traumatic. For some people the trauma results in symptoms so severe they can find it difficult to operate in the world. The hurt can result in intrusive memories and flashbacks, feeling emotionally flooded (as though you are reliving the traumatic experience), difficulty trusting others, panic attacks, physical pain, and several other unpleasant symptoms.

For others they block (sometimes unconsciously) these memories and their thinking and feelings around it. Unfortunately what we ignore emotionally often has a way of showing its ugly head elsewhere. Often addiction, problematic relationships, anxiety, depression, and never feeling 'good enough' can have their root in a painful childhood.

The good news is that the brain and the body are meant to heal; for example if we get a cut, relatively quickly our body heals. However if the cut is deep, or not cleaned properly, it can become infected, fester and cause serious harm to the whole body if not treated. Traumatic events are like a cut, or damage, to the brain. If we have enough protective factors in place our brains can heal themselves and we can process the trauma in a way that enables one to feel safe, lovable, capable, worthy, etc. However if we experience a highly distressing event, or series of events, that exceed our ability to cope, one can have long-term, and severe negative consequences. Instead of just helping clients to identify causes and manage distressing symptoms, I use a technique called EMDR to help the brain reprocess and heal from the trauma.

EMDR

Everyone has experienced distressing events; not every one may label it trauma.  Although one's experience may not sound severe, it often occurred when the individual was a child, or in a heightened state of stress,  and/or the individual had no ability to stop or control the distressing event (i.e. having a dismissive or emotionally unavailable parent, being in a car accident, witnessing violence).

Unfortunately many of us have had life experiences that block our ability to feel at peace on a regular basis. Some of us have insight into what may be unhelpful, but feel stuck or powerless to change it. This block may come from serious trauma, or from not having had parents who understood how to adequately support us when we were young. The problem with painful past memories is that if they are not healthfully processed, the emotion will get stored in the brain or body in a way that leads to dysfunction and pain in the present. You may have sensed this when you see yourself overreacting to something that does not merit such a strong response, or get a stomach ache, headache or other bodily pain when feeling distressed. 

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) was developed in 1987 as a treatment for reducing/eliminating distressing memories and their ability to impact one’s emotions, feelings and beliefs in the present. Most of us consciously or unconsciously are affected by past events. These past events shape our view of ourselves and our environment in the present. Negative past experiences can cause us to have distorted views in the present and result in feelings or beliefs such as, “I am not good enough,” or “I am bad,” that we are powerless or helpless, and/or feeling unsafe even if there is no current threat. 

One of the best aspects of EMDR is that it is highly effective in a very short period of time. As opposed to years of therapy, EMDR can target a problematic belief, memory or behavior and reduce or eliminate it within a few sessions.

Reading about EMDR may make it sound like hypnosis or a magic trick, but it is neither. Numerous studies have been conducted on the efficacy of EMDR and it is now recognized as a highly effective tool to address a wide range of conditions including:

• PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder)

• Panic Disorder

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Conduct problems and self-esteem

• Performance anxiety

• Attachment Disorders

• And many others